Whew! I can’t believe it, but the electricity is still on…FPL actually gave us until May 7th, which should be more than time enough to get a commitment from LIHEAP to cover it. I’ve had all these insistent, persistent alarm bells going off in my head since January; could they have caused the sudden worsening of my depression that started around that time?
Probably not. The brain is weird. Whatever it feels it tries to explain, usually blaming external factors…in other words: usually the brain is wrong. We attribute our emotions to the actions of others, to the actions of supernatural agents (‘God,” etc.), or even to imaginary forces like ‘luck’ or ‘fate.’ For the Bipolar person, mood changes are almost completely unrelated to the outside world. That said, does hardship, economic and otherwise, make the depressed person feel even worse?
Well…yeah, of course it does. A member of the Gucci clan was quoted in an interview saying that she “would rather cry in a Rolls Royce than laugh on a bicycle”. An Italian court later had her committed against her will to a psych ward, where she was said to enjoy crying at meals and laughing during games of Backgammon. (Okay, not really, but the quote was accurate, and it leads to my point. The depressed person will always have something or someone – imaginary or not – to project that sadness onto : whether in a Bentley, or on a bike, we’re equally miserable.)
Still, I have to wonder: would I be any less depressed if I weren’t a complete failure with no future, or do I feel like a complete failure with no future because I’m depressed?
Could it be both?